Photo by Anonymous*

FUPPPSYLVANIA, August 10, 2005:  Following a brief report by ABC earlier this month about a Believers’ Conversion Camp, the Rev. Mr. Bassett’s ears actually stood up in awe. “Hypocrites were stoned in the past,” he said. “Maybe they should take up that practice again.”

According to the normally mild-mannered reverend, the news source cited beliefs that being gay is an addictive behaviour; the camp offers to heal those suffering from this affliction by reparenting and teaching our pups and kittens how to overcome their disease.

As more and more countries recognize Same Sex NIPtuals it appears the powerful statement of “Love One Another” has been amended by many Believers to say: “Love one another, as long as they agree with you.” Charity, peace and love must now come with disclaimers, it seems.

As one pads along the streets and lanes of our small country one can hear the woofs, mews and an assortment of other utterances decrying such arrogance.

The long-eared minister was gracious enough to furnish our small but vocal publication with a copy of his upcoming sermon. To quote from a part of his homily: “I suggest to you that going to services two or three times a week does not make you a true Believer any more than going to a McDonalds so often makes you a Big Mac.”

He continues, “If being gay is addictive behaviour and the idea of NIPtuals
outrageous, then those who wed members of the opposite sex and divorce so many times evidence the same addictive behaviour. Do they perhaps need ‘reparenting’? Or should we teach our offspring never to chance anything that isn’t guaranteed? … The only guarantee in life is death.”

“Perhaps,” he concludes, “we could all learn from the turtles who know they never get anywhere unless they stick their necks out.”

Contributed by FUPPPS new Editorial Associate Editor, I. Ben Hadd

        Approved by the FUPPPS Editorial Board

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