SECURITY IN PERIL IN FUPPSYLVANIA
April 17, 2004: Looking out over the rolling hills, the golden
poppies and multicolored lilies dotting the landscape and filling
the soul, it is hard to believe anything can be wrong. After
all, this is the land of the free, home of the brave. But
there is an undercurrent of fear. An odd smell permeates the
air, more pungent than asparagus-tinted urine.
When we trekked up
the hill to the castle for our appointed audience with Liege Lord
Wallace Hanford, or "Wally" as he is known to his subjects, the
reasons became clear.
"We are under severe
threat!" declared His Royal
Pomeranian, a title bestowed in 2003 by the Queen. "Dark
horses and wild-eyed bulldogs are trying to buy up our lands and our
newspapers, radio and television stations. If they succeed,
our way of life will be destroyed. No more free water troughs
at every corner! No more salt licks! No more obedience
training for every pup -- it will be all dogs left behind! And
forget same sex NIPtuals! These are right-wingers, fanatics.
Even the sturgeons among them are right-finners. We need help!
Please help us raise more bucks! Dig into your pouches and saddle bags and give what you can!
We must fight off these true evildoers!"
We, too were upset to
Lord Hanford so obviously distraught. His teeth were bared and
his tail twitched incessantly during our entire interview. We
decided to talk to other residents of the castle, to see how far the
fear had spread. Indeed, to a dog, they said, "We're afraid
we're heading straight for the pooper!"
Townsfolk also had
gotten wind of the alarm, which explained the acrid smell.
We at FUPPPS implore
you to help. Bucks in and around the coffers will insure our homeland
will remain our safe haven! Their presence will enable us to
lands, and our media. If you care at all about the right to
marry whomever you choose, if you care about clean, plentiful water,
and salt, if you care about reading and hearing the truth in media,
please give generously today! Send us a note in the box below
and we will contact you immediately with de-tails on how to
FUPPPS Editorial Board